I Watch So You Don't Have To: Hybrid
Apr. 5th, 2011 10:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
carolinecraneSince I have no fan fiction to offer today, and I don't particularly care to be doing any of the things I should be doing (i.e. my job, or figuring out the ending of Trains) I feel that today is the perfect time to start a new series which I am calling "I Watch So You Don't Have To".
The series will consist of reviews of movies featuring various Glee cast members. I reckon all these posts will be image-heavy, and I cannot always guarantee work-safe images. I don't think there's anything in this post that will get you in trouble, but there is a lot of shirtless Cory Monteith, so I suppose it depends on your job.
Hybrid is a Canadian film starring Cory Monteith's ridiculous face as Aaron Scates, an average young man who is blinded by an on-the-job accident. He undergoes an experimental procedure administered by Mallory Keaton in which his useless, dead eyes are replaced with those of a wolf that was attacked in the wild and brought to an animal rescue center by Hot Native American Chick (more on her later) and then donated to 'scientific research' because it was totes going to die anyway.
After the transplant Aaron can see again, but he begins to have a series of weirdo flashbacks and dream sequences about running in the wild with wolves, and then he starts to display some rather wolf-y behavior. There's also a military subplot that never made a damn bit of sense and we're probably going to mostly ignore it.
The film begins with a truly horrific nature film clip involving wolves taking down a buffalo, actually, but let's pretend that didn't happen and get right to the second nonsensical scene of the film, in which we join Our Hero in the midst of a boxing workout (see above gif) that has zero bearing on the plot and I'm pretty sure is just one of many excuses for Cory to take his shirt off.
Please to be admiring Cory's physique. Also his douchey armband. He has a douchey tattoo! ♥ I love you SO MUCH MORE NOW, Cory.
Aaron Scates is an average young man living in Winnipeg, Manitoba, cruising around on his crotch rocket, and working a dead-end job as a security guard (?) at some Unspecified Plant Filled With Barrels of Flammable Materials. Here we see him joining his coworker and Main Bro Ash for a seemingly dull shift. They drink coffee, mock some other dude who's slacking on the security cameras, Aaron reads a motorcycle magazine, etc. In other words, it's just your average day at your average boring job.
I have included this picture because I believe it is the only time Cory smiles in the entire film. Oh, Cory. Your ridiculous face was not meant for angst, bb.
During the establishing scenes we also learn that there is a hot Native American girl! (Played by that chick from the Twilight movies, which I imagine has at least as offensive a Native American plotline as this film, because that's how we roll here in North America, and I am including Canada in that statement, yes.) There is also a real live Medicine Man! Played by That One Guy who's always in these movies, because a dude's gotta eat. Here is a scene of them Enjoying Nature together. Because that's what native people do.
Back at Aaron's thankless job, where nothing happens and everything is boring. But then, DISASTER STRIKES. The slacker coworker carelessly discards a cigarette and the flammable barrels catch on fire! Instead of waiting for the authorities, Aaron runs into the flames to rescue the guy he doesn't even like who brought it on himself anyway. Run, Aaron, run!
I just think this picture looks a lot like Finn when he dances.
It's the bright flash from the chemical explosion that blinds him, see? At least I assume that's what we are to believe. They never really explain anything.
Aw, Aaron. Blind and feeling sorry for himself, with no hope at all. Little does he know, his sight is about to be completely restored. With bonus night vision (because he's part wolf now, don't you know) and also inexplicable superhuman jumping powers. Yeah, they don't explain those either.
Aaron admires his new look. Don't worry, Aaron, your freaky wolf eyes won't bring all the girls to the yard, but Hot Native American Chick will dig them.
Speaking of which, here she is giving Aaron a ride. They have never met before, but as soon as he steps out in front of her car (take a shot every time he does this!) she recognizes the eyes of the wolf she tried to save and hustles him into her truck. There is never an explanation for why she feels compelled to do this, but how else are they going to hook up, right?
Hot Native American Chick drops Aaron off at his place, after giving him her address in case he needs someplace to 'hole up'. That is not safe behavior, Hot Native American Chick! Never take a guy home with you on the first date! Once Aaron is alone, his shirt immediately comes off. (Drink every time he shows up shirtless!) It's like he's allergic to clothes.
But it's okay, because Aaron's spidey senses are tingling, telling him the Canadian military is after him! He goes out the window.
We can tell he's been here! Perhaps he went out this open window.
After escaping from the military guys, Aaron steps in front of Hot Native American Chick's truck again (she probably obeys speed limits; if she'd speed like a normal person at least she'd have a chance of hitting him) and she lets him in. Instead of going to her place, as she mentioned earlier, they end up at his friend Ash's pad. Ash is not home, but his drums are, so Aaron The White Guy plays them while Hot Native American Chick is in the shower. I'm sure we are supposed to glean some sort of Native American connection between him and the drums, but a) he's white, and b) just because he's part wolf now doesn't mean he's Native American. So I don't know what the drums are about, but maybe Cory has it written into his contracts that he gets to play drums in every part he plays. That's the only explanation I can come up with for why Finn plays them, either.
But after awhile Aaron gets bored with drumming, so he decides to go out for a run through the city. Shirtless. (Drink!) Which he can do, because of his awesome wolf night vision. Along the way he hooks up with some new bros of the four-legged variety for what is my very favorite scene in this entire film. Aaron runs through the city with his new pack of homeless dogs! Aw. They make me sad. Spay and neuter, people.
Hello! I am shirtless! And I enjoy the zoo.
Aaron's new posse looks on while he uses his superhuman jumping powers to vault over the zoo gates. He's going to visit the white buffalo! For no apparent reason whatsoever, though I'm sure it makes sense if you're Native American.
Actually it would have made sense if he'd eaten the white buffalo, but instead he just attacks a security guard who surprises him, then comes to his senses and runs away before he goes all Hulk Smash on the dude's face.
Aaron's posse is waiting for him outside the zoo, 'cause that's how they roll. Here he is vaulting back over the gates and landing on all fours amongst the dogs, because he's a wolf now, get it?
GET IT? (I feel completely justified in the entire Puppyverse, thanks to this scene. Also it makes me LOL forever.)
So at this point Hot Native American Chick figures out that Aaron went to the zoo, though she never explains why she would leap to that conclusion, so she and Ash rush off to find him. When they get back to Ash's place she attempts a Native American ritual of some variety, but Aaron can't handle it! So he freaks out, but before she can talk him into trying again the military shows up and busts up the joint. They put poor Ash in traction, which is a shame, because he's really the best character in this piece of garbage, and haul Aaron back to the Experimental Facility where he had his transplant.
There Aaron rips out the throat of a doctor with his teeth. Because he's a wolf. Then he escapes again and runs to Hot Native American Chick's place.
Good thing she gave him the address, or she wouldn't have gotten any hot wolfman loving. (I wanted to root for these two, but they seriously had zero chemistry.)
The sex scene fades to black pretty quickly.
After their hookup, Hot Native American Chick (I honestly have no idea what the character's name was; sad) takes Aaron to see the Medicine Man. They wrap him in a blanket and put him through the rebirthing process.
No, I kid. Actually Medicine Man just gives some speech about Ojibway boys going on spirit quests to get in touch with their spirit guide, then they send Aaron off into the woods alone to do some more drumming and sleep in a teepee. I truly wish I were exaggerating.
I only included this picture because he's randomly shirtless again, and I thought you could all use a shot. Also, douchey armband! ♥
Eventually the military show up again, but so do Aaron's wolf friends, and between them they kill a bunch more guys. Then Aaron communes with his wolf brothers, and disappears into thin air. No lie. But it's okay! Because during the final scene, we see Hot Native American Chick and Medicine Man walking along, discussing whether or not she and Aaron are going to GET MARRIED after their one-night stand and the three murders for which he is apparently not going to pay, while Aaron the half-wolf runs like a girl through the field with his wolf brothers. Seriously, you guys, his run is so hilarious I had to make you a video so you could truly appreciate it:
That run! It's a thing of beauty. I like to picture Matt Morrison's reaction to seeing it, since he's a hardcore runner and all. He would mock Cory endlessly, I'm sure of it.
And he's shirtless again (of course!) I think that calls for a drink.
So there you have it. I give Hybrid a three on the watchability scale, only because Cory is so often shirtless and emo, and I enjoyed watching him try to emote. Also, the zoo scene really made the film for me. I'm going to have "Who Let the Dogs Out" stuck in my head for days:
So there you have it. "Hybrid" is a low-budget werewolf film which is not really about werewolves at all, and if you've made it this far in the review you probably don't need to watch it. Should you choose to, however, I feel your enjoyment will be enhanced by the drinking gamemavilous and I devised in the comments to another post:
+ every time Cory shows up shirtless: take a shot
+ every time they show a buffalo: take a shot
+ every time you experience second-hand embarrassment: take a shot
+ every time there is a nonsensical reference to 'Native American lore': take a shot
+ every time Cory steps in front of a car: finish the bottle
+ every time Cory runs like a girl: hit yourself in the face with the empty bottle
One way or the other, you will be passed out by the end of the film. Trust me, you'll thank me later.
The series will consist of reviews of movies featuring various Glee cast members. I reckon all these posts will be image-heavy, and I cannot always guarantee work-safe images. I don't think there's anything in this post that will get you in trouble, but there is a lot of shirtless Cory Monteith, so I suppose it depends on your job.
Hybrid is a Canadian film starring Cory Monteith's ridiculous face as Aaron Scates, an average young man who is blinded by an on-the-job accident. He undergoes an experimental procedure administered by Mallory Keaton in which his useless, dead eyes are replaced with those of a wolf that was attacked in the wild and brought to an animal rescue center by Hot Native American Chick (more on her later) and then donated to 'scientific research' because it was totes going to die anyway.
After the transplant Aaron can see again, but he begins to have a series of weirdo flashbacks and dream sequences about running in the wild with wolves, and then he starts to display some rather wolf-y behavior. There's also a military subplot that never made a damn bit of sense and we're probably going to mostly ignore it.
The film begins with a truly horrific nature film clip involving wolves taking down a buffalo, actually, but let's pretend that didn't happen and get right to the second nonsensical scene of the film, in which we join Our Hero in the midst of a boxing workout (see above gif) that has zero bearing on the plot and I'm pretty sure is just one of many excuses for Cory to take his shirt off.
Please to be admiring Cory's physique. Also his douchey armband. He has a douchey tattoo! ♥ I love you SO MUCH MORE NOW, Cory.
Aaron Scates is an average young man living in Winnipeg, Manitoba, cruising around on his crotch rocket, and working a dead-end job as a security guard (?) at some Unspecified Plant Filled With Barrels of Flammable Materials. Here we see him joining his coworker and Main Bro Ash for a seemingly dull shift. They drink coffee, mock some other dude who's slacking on the security cameras, Aaron reads a motorcycle magazine, etc. In other words, it's just your average day at your average boring job.
I have included this picture because I believe it is the only time Cory smiles in the entire film. Oh, Cory. Your ridiculous face was not meant for angst, bb.
During the establishing scenes we also learn that there is a hot Native American girl! (Played by that chick from the Twilight movies, which I imagine has at least as offensive a Native American plotline as this film, because that's how we roll here in North America, and I am including Canada in that statement, yes.) There is also a real live Medicine Man! Played by That One Guy who's always in these movies, because a dude's gotta eat. Here is a scene of them Enjoying Nature together. Because that's what native people do.
Back at Aaron's thankless job, where nothing happens and everything is boring. But then, DISASTER STRIKES. The slacker coworker carelessly discards a cigarette and the flammable barrels catch on fire! Instead of waiting for the authorities, Aaron runs into the flames to rescue the guy he doesn't even like who brought it on himself anyway. Run, Aaron, run!
I just think this picture looks a lot like Finn when he dances.
It's the bright flash from the chemical explosion that blinds him, see? At least I assume that's what we are to believe. They never really explain anything.
Aw, Aaron. Blind and feeling sorry for himself, with no hope at all. Little does he know, his sight is about to be completely restored. With bonus night vision (because he's part wolf now, don't you know) and also inexplicable superhuman jumping powers. Yeah, they don't explain those either.
Aaron admires his new look. Don't worry, Aaron, your freaky wolf eyes won't bring all the girls to the yard, but Hot Native American Chick will dig them.
Speaking of which, here she is giving Aaron a ride. They have never met before, but as soon as he steps out in front of her car (take a shot every time he does this!) she recognizes the eyes of the wolf she tried to save and hustles him into her truck. There is never an explanation for why she feels compelled to do this, but how else are they going to hook up, right?
Hot Native American Chick drops Aaron off at his place, after giving him her address in case he needs someplace to 'hole up'. That is not safe behavior, Hot Native American Chick! Never take a guy home with you on the first date! Once Aaron is alone, his shirt immediately comes off. (Drink every time he shows up shirtless!) It's like he's allergic to clothes.
But it's okay, because Aaron's spidey senses are tingling, telling him the Canadian military is after him! He goes out the window.
We can tell he's been here! Perhaps he went out this open window.
After escaping from the military guys, Aaron steps in front of Hot Native American Chick's truck again (she probably obeys speed limits; if she'd speed like a normal person at least she'd have a chance of hitting him) and she lets him in. Instead of going to her place, as she mentioned earlier, they end up at his friend Ash's pad. Ash is not home, but his drums are, so Aaron The White Guy plays them while Hot Native American Chick is in the shower. I'm sure we are supposed to glean some sort of Native American connection between him and the drums, but a) he's white, and b) just because he's part wolf now doesn't mean he's Native American. So I don't know what the drums are about, but maybe Cory has it written into his contracts that he gets to play drums in every part he plays. That's the only explanation I can come up with for why Finn plays them, either.
But after awhile Aaron gets bored with drumming, so he decides to go out for a run through the city. Shirtless. (Drink!) Which he can do, because of his awesome wolf night vision. Along the way he hooks up with some new bros of the four-legged variety for what is my very favorite scene in this entire film. Aaron runs through the city with his new pack of homeless dogs! Aw. They make me sad. Spay and neuter, people.
Hello! I am shirtless! And I enjoy the zoo.
Aaron's new posse looks on while he uses his superhuman jumping powers to vault over the zoo gates. He's going to visit the white buffalo! For no apparent reason whatsoever, though I'm sure it makes sense if you're Native American.
Actually it would have made sense if he'd eaten the white buffalo, but instead he just attacks a security guard who surprises him, then comes to his senses and runs away before he goes all Hulk Smash on the dude's face.
Aaron's posse is waiting for him outside the zoo, 'cause that's how they roll. Here he is vaulting back over the gates and landing on all fours amongst the dogs, because he's a wolf now, get it?
GET IT? (I feel completely justified in the entire Puppyverse, thanks to this scene. Also it makes me LOL forever.)
So at this point Hot Native American Chick figures out that Aaron went to the zoo, though she never explains why she would leap to that conclusion, so she and Ash rush off to find him. When they get back to Ash's place she attempts a Native American ritual of some variety, but Aaron can't handle it! So he freaks out, but before she can talk him into trying again the military shows up and busts up the joint. They put poor Ash in traction, which is a shame, because he's really the best character in this piece of garbage, and haul Aaron back to the Experimental Facility where he had his transplant.
There Aaron rips out the throat of a doctor with his teeth. Because he's a wolf. Then he escapes again and runs to Hot Native American Chick's place.
Good thing she gave him the address, or she wouldn't have gotten any hot wolfman loving. (I wanted to root for these two, but they seriously had zero chemistry.)
The sex scene fades to black pretty quickly.
After their hookup, Hot Native American Chick (I honestly have no idea what the character's name was; sad) takes Aaron to see the Medicine Man. They wrap him in a blanket and put him through the rebirthing process.
No, I kid. Actually Medicine Man just gives some speech about Ojibway boys going on spirit quests to get in touch with their spirit guide, then they send Aaron off into the woods alone to do some more drumming and sleep in a teepee. I truly wish I were exaggerating.
I only included this picture because he's randomly shirtless again, and I thought you could all use a shot. Also, douchey armband! ♥
Eventually the military show up again, but so do Aaron's wolf friends, and between them they kill a bunch more guys. Then Aaron communes with his wolf brothers, and disappears into thin air. No lie. But it's okay! Because during the final scene, we see Hot Native American Chick and Medicine Man walking along, discussing whether or not she and Aaron are going to GET MARRIED after their one-night stand and the three murders for which he is apparently not going to pay, while Aaron the half-wolf runs like a girl through the field with his wolf brothers. Seriously, you guys, his run is so hilarious I had to make you a video so you could truly appreciate it:
That run! It's a thing of beauty. I like to picture Matt Morrison's reaction to seeing it, since he's a hardcore runner and all. He would mock Cory endlessly, I'm sure of it.
And he's shirtless again (of course!) I think that calls for a drink.
So there you have it. I give Hybrid a three on the watchability scale, only because Cory is so often shirtless and emo, and I enjoyed watching him try to emote. Also, the zoo scene really made the film for me. I'm going to have "Who Let the Dogs Out" stuck in my head for days:
So there you have it. "Hybrid" is a low-budget werewolf film which is not really about werewolves at all, and if you've made it this far in the review you probably don't need to watch it. Should you choose to, however, I feel your enjoyment will be enhanced by the drinking game
mavilous and I devised in the comments to another post:+ every time Cory shows up shirtless: take a shot
+ every time they show a buffalo: take a shot
+ every time you experience second-hand embarrassment: take a shot
+ every time there is a nonsensical reference to 'Native American lore': take a shot
+ every time Cory steps in front of a car: finish the bottle
+ every time Cory runs like a girl: hit yourself in the face with the empty bottle
One way or the other, you will be passed out by the end of the film. Trust me, you'll thank me later.
